A Stupid Way To Die
by Lila Mae
Summary: Uchiha Itachi and Ororchimaru die... in the stupidest ways that a shinobi can... UPDATE Now including the ignoble death of Kakashi!
1. Uchiha Itachi

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. :-(

A/N: Found this saved in my 'schoolwork' folder. I honestly don't remember writing it, but it was dated for the weekend that I stayed home sick instead of going with the family to visit my grandparents. So I have decided to dedicate this to them, who I was so desperate to avoid that I purposely gave myself food poisoning. I kid you not.

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Uchiha Itachi was an S-class missing-nin. He had massacred his entire clan with the exception of his younger brother. Itachi was a part of an exclusive Evil organization. He killed people for fun, and thought rather highly of himself.

Uchiha Itachi was a Badass ninja with a very high cool factor. How else could a guy get away with wearing nail polish without looking like a ponce?

But most of all, Uchiha Itachi was cool as a cucumber and dignified. He did not run around yelling random declarations of his greatness or plans for the future, unlike a certain annoying orange fox-boy. Itachi did not giggle like a pervert and peep at bathing women. Itachi did not loose his temper and make stupid mistakes.

Secretly, Uchiha Itachi was a control-freak. In the Secret Base his bed was always made, his laundry in the hamper, and his books and scrolls were alphabetized on his bookshelf. His desk was at a 45 angle with the door, his kuni were sharpened daily and laced with poison, and his underwear matched his nifty cloak.

It was these facts and habits that made his rather unexpected demise that much more ironic and embarrassing.

It was a crisp autumn day like any other, or at least it was until the battle started. The meeting of Itachi, Sasuke, and Naruto on the borders of Wind Country was nothing less than Fate's way of mocking them. Naruto was on his way back to Konoha after a visit with Garra and his siblings. Sasuke was on a mission for Orochimaru, searching as always, for the shortcut to immense power. Itachi was shopping to replace the nail polish that Kisame had spilled onto his fancy carpet. Unfortunately, he would have to find a new partner, seeing as his old one was now decorating the walls of the Secret Base.

Naruto and Sasuke threw insults back and forth before noticing the third person present. Naruto growled menacingly, his fangs growing and eyes going red as he charged up a Rasengan in each hand and split his focus between his two opponents. Sasuke seemed to have forgotten Naruto entirely, and was now focusing only on Itachi as he held a chirping Chidori in one hand while bracing his arm with the other. Sasuke's eyes flashed red and gave him a rather psychotic look as the curse seal danced across his skin.

Itachi smirked smugly. His summons was the coolest! He casually flicked out a kuni and cut his thumb before doing the summoning jutsu, which brought forth the Lion-Boss Simba. Simba was huge. Simba was scary. Simba had an itch. The Lion-Boss yawned loudly and sat down to scratch said itch……

**smushgurglegurgleplop**

Itachi just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Simba stood up and looked at the smear on the ground with annoyance. The Lion-Boss sniffed distainfully and poofed back to wherever it was he came from.

Naruto and Sasuke sweatdropped. All that was left of the feared Uchiha Itachi was a bloody puddle of ooze on the ground. "That was _so_ lame," Naruto whined, "we didn't even get to fight him. I can't believe his summons **_sat_** on him!"

Sasuke gave a 'hn' in agreement and looked down at himself, watching the curse seal retreat. He sighed, "That was not what I envisioned when I dreamed of my brother's death. The event itself was rather anti-climatic. What an embarrassing way for a Shinobi to die. Now what am I going to do?"

Naruto shrugged, "You could come back to Konoha with me. We could say Itachi put some kind of undetectable genjutsu on you that made you seek him out at all costs. With his death you were freed from his evil clutches, and have realized the error of your ways. Tell the Old Lady you seek her forgiveness… blah, blah, blah… just get your sorry ass back on the team."

Sasuke looked at Naruto in shock, "That's actually a good idea, dobe."

Naruto shot Sasuke a dirty look, "Nobody can really be as stupid as I pretend to be, and live as long as I have. Stupid people are always underestimated. By the time the enemy figures out just how brilliant I am, they take that secret to the grave. You can go ahead and tell people if you want, it's not like they'll believe you…"

Both boys were silent for a while before Sasuke's stubborn pride reared its ugly head, "It was a tough battle," Sasuke told him, "See that arm over to the side? That was your doing. You tried to hit him in the face with a Rasengan, but he moved and you only got him in the shoulder. Ripped his arm clean off."

Naruto gave him a foxy grin, "You used my attack as cover, and actually did hit him in the chest with your Chidori. While your arm was still in his chest you activated the second level of your curse seal in excitement and Itachi exploded."

"Hn, I like that," Sasuke nodded his head, "but what do we do if someone wants to see the Exploding Chidori?"

A slow, sadistic smile worked its way across Naruto's face as he turned to look Sasuke in the eye, "You can't demonstrate if you no longer have the seal..."

Sasuke gave a similar disturbing smile in return, "...and the only way to get rid of the seal is the death of the victim or the –"

"-death of the sick bastard that gave it to him. I say we drown him in the shower. We can bring his head back to the Old Lady and the council. Then we'd tell them all about our epic battle where you softened the Snake Bastard up so I could kill him," Naruto ignored Sasuke's noise of disapproval, "It's only fair! If you're the one who killed your brother, then I want credit for Orochimaru…"

The End.


	2. Orochimaru

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

A/N: I had a few requests to make this a series. I figured, 'Why not?' So here it is…

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Orochimaru was one of the Legendary Sannins. He was feared, respected, worshipped even. He was going to become Immortal. That was the plan anyways. He loved learning and inventing new techniques. He may only rule the Hidden Sound Village _now_, but eventually he was going to take over the world. 

He had schemes inside of schemes. He had plans that intersected with other plans, to make even bigger plans. He wasn't called a genius for nothing. Unfortunately, tactics was not his strong point. To keep his oh-so-clever plans straight he had to enter them into his 'day planner'. In his arrogance he assumed that no one would _dare_ touch the Almighty Orochiaru's secret diary.

Sasuke, being the sneaky little bastard that he was, knew all about the diary. Smuggling Naruto into the Hidden Sound was ridiculously easy. Orochimaru was not very well liked, and the guards couldn't care less who came and went. It was early morning, so Sasuke knew that Orochimaru the Pedophile would be watching the little Academy children run laps and get all sweaty.

Once they had the 'planner', it was only a matter of setting up an ambush to catch the Snake Sannin on his own. They did a bit of investigating and bribing to set thing up for their plan, but they had decided it would be more than worth it when they got back to the village. Sasuke's revenge had been fulfilled; so now all he had to do was find an easy woman (_cough_Sakura_cough_) to help him revive his clan. Naruto planned to use the defeat of Orochimaru as his campaign platform for when it was time to pick the next Hokage. In the process of setting up the attack, the fact that no one so much as blinked when Sasuke dragged a leather harness, collar, duct tape, and small explosive notes to Orochimaru's quarters kinda answered most of Naruto's unasked questions.

Three hours later a smiling Naruto was shoving the Traitor's head in a burlap bag and whistling a catchy tune. He and Sasuke vowed to learn from the mistakes of their enemies. They would forever after be cautious when summoning and would _never **ever**_ underpay a hooker, no matter how ugly she was…

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Okay, that was Orochimaru's Anti-climatic demise. Leave a review and vote for who should be the next victim… Will it be Kakashi, Shikamaru, Anko, Gaara, or Gai-sensei? Whoever gets the most votes dies first! ;) 


	3. Gaisensei

Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did Kakashi would be my sexy love puppet, complete with leather collar. Yee-haw! Ride 'em cowgirl! ;)

A/N: Voting polls were kinda wonky. Gai-sensei was the most popular choice, followed by Kakashi, and then by Gaara. (A friend of mine asked for his death specifically.) Some death scenes will be longer than others. I may just decide to do crossover death scenes for minor characters. (Ramen Girl getting mauled by Hippogriffs or something.) So without further ado, I present to you the next installment of the stupid death series…

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Gai-sensei, the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha, was a very **_unique_** individual. He was loud, friendly, competitive, and had absolutely no sense of fashion. He sprang out of nowhere to make ridiculous challenges and random announcements about the 'Flames of Youth' and other such garbage. Though it irked most people to know end, they rarely, if ever, did anything about it. Everyone had their quirky defense mechanisms. Kakashi read porn in public, Genma was always sticking pointy objects in his mouth, and Tsunade drank. 

Despite his rather energetic weirdness, there were people who genuinely cared about the freakish ninja. Lee practically worshipped the land he walked on, Neji and Ten-Ten worried about being assigned to an every _more_ eccentric instructor, Kakashi liked teasing the poor man, and 'Shinobi Spandex Unlimited' viewed him as a precious customer.

So it was with great sadness that the village received notice of Gai's death while on an S-Ranked mission. Ironically enough, Gai had single handedly decimated the three missing-nins. The mission was a resounding success, and Gai and the others were only about an hour from home when he went to answer nature's call and was stung by a bee. Unfortunately none of his teammates knew of his allergy and he into anaphylactic shock and died before any of his companions could figure out what the hell had happened to him.

After the funeral Rock Lee wore black spandex for two and a half months before Sakura finally convinced him to wear 'real' clothes.

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Okay, here's the deal… Leave a review with the name of the character you wish to see die next, and I'll add up the votes in about a week and write the next chapter. 


	4. Gaara

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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Gaara was a kick-ass ninja. He was strong, skilled, and intelligent. He was handsome, quiet, and broody. In short, he drove the girls wild. (Not that any of them were crazy/brave enough to stalk him like Sasuke's fangirls.)

Gaara also had a secret love of teddy bears.

When he was young, his teddy (Sir Poops-a-lot) was his only friend. When he became a genin, his paychecks went towards expanding his …collection… He had teddy bears of every shape, size, and color. Pink, tan, lilac, indigo, toffee, buttercup yellow… you name it – he had it.

As with all ninjas, his weakness was eventually exploited. The first bear he found had a big red bow around his little brown neck with a small tag. 'Hello Gaara-sama! My name is Noodles!' Noodles was subjected to three days of testing before being deemed "safe". He was then given a new home on the second shelf next to Daisy-chan.

"Hello! My name is Sakura-chan!" was found five weeks later. The three foot pink bear endured nearly six hours of examination before joining Noodles and company on the shelf.

"Hi, I'm Ick!" was the color of day-old snot. Gaara spent just over an hour checking him out before adding him to the growing collection. Ick was mocked by the other bears and lived as a hermit in Garra's underwear drawer.

"Hi, I'm Benedict!" came two months later and wasn't even given a second glance before being placed on Garra's pillow. He really should have been. Just after Gaara dozed off that night Benedict smiled evily before the 500 or so explosive notes used as 'stuffing' went off.

They found Gaara's right eye nearly two blocks away from the blast radius.

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There you have it! Gaara's stupid death. It seems Mr. Arnold did his job, eh? ;) Just remember to vote on who you want to die next! 'Til next time… 


	5. Jiraiya

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Duh.

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Jiraiya never should have blown off his annual eye exam.

If he hadn't, then he might have been given glasses. If he had been wearing glasses he never would have mistaken the shinobi bathhouse for a civilian one. Unfortunately, in addition to his deteriorating eye-sight he also suffered from a serious lack of common sense.

Konoha and Iwa weren't on good terms at the best of times, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise that the kuniochi he was peeping on pummeled him so badly that they had to use dental records to identify his body.

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As always, leave a review with your suggestion for the next death. Hopefully I'll update again soon!

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	6. Kakashi

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I make any money from writing fanfiction.

A/N: I haven't updated in forever, but I had an amusing conversation with my sister and this idea came from that.

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Kakashi should have known better. He was an elite shinobi who had made genin at 6 years of age and chuunin at six. He'd survived the front lines of war and the Kyuubi attack. It should not have been a 'training accident' that killed him. Then again, calling his Cause of Death a 'training accident' wasn't exactly… truthful.

There's a reason the Academy, Jounin instructors, team leaders, and anyone with common sense warns aspiring shinobi never to create new jutsu while under the influence. Drunk!Science was probably one of the most horrific ways for young up-and-coming ninja to die. There were still terrified whispers about that crazy Uchiha kid that literally _**turned himself inside-out**_ about forty years back. That's not even taking into account that poor Iwa-nin with a tarot obsession that somehow managed to give himself an _actual_ third eye.

Either way, Kakashi had no business experimenting with his Mangekyou Sharingan when he had enough alcohol in his system that his blood was flammable. Controlling the reality-breaching technique was damn near impossible under the best circumstances and those weren't it. If his (mildly inebriated) teammates hadn't witnessed the whole thing the circumstances of his death would most likely have been a mystery.

Team seven could only watch as their former sensei was pulled through a breach in reality by some sort of slime-coated grey tentacled eldritch abomination. By the time they realized what had happened Kakashi was already gone and the breach sealed. Before they could figure out what to do next the portal reopened and a mortally wounded Kakashi flung himself out. When his last words were "breeding stock" and "male pregnancies" they decided that they were better off not knowing.


End file.
